Coping in Conflict:
Why We Fight the Way We Fight (And What to Do Instead)
You get home late and find the kitchen a mess. Your partner made dinner, but left dishes in the sink, countertops dirty with food splatters, and cooked food on the stove yet to be put away. Immediately annoyed, you think about all of the laundry and cleaning you did this weekend and how unfair it is that your partner didn’t clean up before settling in to watch tv - now you’re stuck with a messy kitchen as you try to prep your lunch for work tomorrow.
You walk into the living room and try not to sound too angry when you say, “The kitchen is a mess. You know I hate when you leave stuff everywhere. Why can’t you do the dishes before you sit down?”
Your partner sighs and responds, “I didn’t know what time you were getting home and I had a really long day. I don’t know why a few dishes bother you so much - I’m gonna clean it up before I go to bed.”
Sound familiar? It’s not exactly connecting, right? And yet, somehow, so many of us get caught in conversations that feel just like this with the person we love most.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us that all couples get caught in negative interaction cycles and each of us use coping strategies to attempt to deal with the difficult feelings that come up as a result.
We're trying to be heard, protect ourselves, or get our partner to understand something important. But somehow, the strategies we use in the heat of the moment — the ones that feel so natural and even protective — often end up doing the opposite of what we want.
This is the strange thing about conflict: the coping strategies we default to feel helpful and necessary to us in the moment, but land very differently on the other side.
Below, I’ll walk you through three of the most common ways people show up in conflict — criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal - including where these coping strategies come from, why they backfire, and what to try instead.
Strategy 1: Criticism
What it looks like
If criticism is your go-to in conflict, you're probably showing up by:
Telling your partner what they did wrong
Feeling connected to frustration or anger
Focusing on global character patterns rather than the specific incident (“You always do this” or “You never help”)
Why we do it
Criticism feels protective. It's like an older sibling coming out swinging on your behalf, saying "hey, you can't do that!" Underneath it, we're trying to attend to a deep hurt or unmet need. We use critique to get our partner's attention — to make sure they see what we need and take it seriously.
Why it doesn't work
Even though criticism feels protective to us, to our partner it lands as an attack. When we criticize, we're essentially telling them they are wrong, bad, or failing as a person. And in the face of an attack, the most natural response is to defend or shut down — which is the exact opposite of the openness and accountability we're hoping for.
What to do instead
Instead of starting with "you," start with "I." Share how you feel when the thing that upset you happens.
"I feel forgotten when you don't remember to do the laundry."
"I feel hurt when we don't get time together in the evenings."
This shifts the conversation from an indictment of your partner's character to an invitation for them to understand your experience. That's a conversation they can actually respond to.
Strategy 2: Defensiveness
What it looks like
If defensiveness is your go-to, you're probably showing up by:
Explaining why you did what you did
Feeling connected to guilt and shame
Being concerned about being misunderstood
Why we do it
Defensiveness is exactly what the name implies — a shield. We put it up when we feel attacked and afraid of getting hurt. We're convinced that just a little more information, just a little more context, would stop the attack. If they just understood... So we explain, justify, and make our case.
Why it doesn't work
It might feel logical to fill our partner in on all the information they're missing. But to our partner, defensiveness feels like we aren't hearing them. When we defend instead of listen, the most common response from a partner is to dig in with a bigger push. Our defense signals that we aren't open to what they have to say — and that shuts the conversation down.
What to do instead
Instead of explaining your side, try validating theirs first. Find anything in what they've said that you can genuinely understand or agree with — even partially.
"I'm hearing that it sucked for you when I didn't respond. That makes sense."
"You're right, I did forget to do that. I'm sorry I forgot."
Validation doesn't mean you're admitting you're a terrible person. It means you're willing to hear your partner before defending yourself. That willingness is often all they needed in the first place.
Strategy 3: Withdrawal
What it looks like
If withdrawal is your default, you're probably showing up by:
Going silent, walking away, or freezing — even while internally spiraling
Feeling numb or overwhelmed rather than connected
Focused on getting the conflict to stop or getting away from it
Why we do it
Like all coping strategies, withdrawal is meant to protect us. We pull away from what feels like danger — emotionally, physically, or both. We may have lost hope that our words will help, and so instead we shut down and turn away. There's often a sense of not knowing what else to do, or feeling completely stuck.
Why it doesn't work
Taking space during a conflict isn't inherently a bad idea. But typically, when we tend toward withdrawal, we do it without communication — we stop talking, walk away, or freeze without letting our partner know what's happening inside us. To our partner, this can feel like emotional abandonment at the very moment they're trying to share something important. Or it can feel like being punished with silence when the conversation gets hard.
What to do instead
When you notice yourself starting to shut down — feeling numb, overwhelmed, or like you genuinely don't know what to say — name it for your partner instead of disappearing.
"Right now, I'm having a hard time staying present with you. I need to take a break so I can actually engage in this conversation."
This keeps your partner in the loop. It tells them you haven't abandoned the conversation — you're protecting it by stepping away briefly so you can come back more regulated and present.
What Our Coping Strategies Tell Us
Each of these coping strategies is an example of the ways we learn to protect ourselves when we don't feel safe. We criticize because we're hurting and afraid of being dismissed. We defend because we're afraid of being seen as wrong or bad. We withdraw because we've learned that staying in it only leads to more pain.
When we slow down and get to know our go-to coping strategies, they can be inroads to understand our emotional experience more deeply — and to ultimately connect to ourselves and our partners more effectively.
Reimagine the scenario from the beginning of this post, but picture it going differently.
Before you walk into the living room, you take a moment to check in with yourself. Then you sit down next to your partner, make eye contact, and say: "Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed by the kitchen — and I'm noticing I feel worried that the mess might not be on your radar in the same way it is for me. I need to prep a few things for tomorrow before I go to bed. Would you be willing to clean up before I do that?"
Your partner hears the feelings-first statement. They see something softer on your face than frustration. "Yeah, of course. I know messiness feels overwhelming to you. Let me finish eating and then I'll clean up so you can use the kitchen."
Same kitchen. Same long day. Completely different conversation.
Conflict doesn't have to be something that happens to your relationship. When you understand your own coping patterns, you can notice them in a way that allows you to speak to the emotion underneath — and that's where real connection becomes possible.
If you find yourself stuck in these cycles and struggling to shift them on your own, couples therapy can be a supportive place to understand your conflict patterns and build the skills to reach each other differently. Schedule a complimentary consultation call to learn more.
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